


don't leave me.

by helenblqckthorn



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Crying, Dead Alec Lightwood, Heavy Angst, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Post-Alec Lightwood's Death, breakdowns, i can't believe thats a popular tag shjdfshk, kind of fluff, read at ur own risk, this made me cry while writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 20:41:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13061757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helenblqckthorn/pseuds/helenblqckthorn
Summary: “You’re pushing a lot of people away.” Alec comments.“What else is new,” Magnus mutters in response.“Don’t worry. You still have me.” Alec smiles softly at him, and Magnus can feel a physical clench around his heart, but doesn’t show it.“Well that’s a relief,” Magnus says dryly.Alec laughs. The sound echoes in Magnus’s ears.***aka the post death fic that made me cry while writing it





	don't leave me.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the angstiest thing I've ever written, i'm also v tired so there may be a lot of mistakes
> 
> based upon the part in sherlock season four where mary ( a figment of john's imagination) wanders round next to him, and a couple of textposts
> 
> read at your own risk

He slams a twenty down on the counter, his eyebrows furrowed and fingers tapping impatiently. His cat eye stare burns a hole in the shopkeepers head, and she gulps nervously and scurries off.

She returns two minutes later with the ingredients, which Magnus squints at before grunting and tucking them into his coat.

He sweeps out of the door, slamming the door so hard behind him that the small bell falls off the door onto the ground.

No one crosses his path. Who would get in the way of an angry tall all-powerful warlock?

Magnus doesn’t stop to look at the stalls of the Shadow Market like he used to. His pace is quick, efficient, and purposeful.

The man beside him chuckles to himself.

“What?” Magnus snaps.

“Never hurts to be nice to someone, Magnus,” Alec says, grinning lazily and effortlessly keeping pace with him.

Magnus’s lips quirk into an almost smile in spite of himself, but scowls immediately when he sees Alec’s eyes crinkle in effort of not laughing.

“Doesn’t pay to make fun of people, Alec,” Magnus says in a mock patronizing voice.

Alec softens at once. “You know I’d never make fun of you.”

Magnus can feel a lump in his throat. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

He stands at the window, tapping the glass in his hand rhythmically. He really should sort that out, but it’s become sort of a nervous tick at this point.

“All I’m saying, Magnus,” Tessa says in a soft voice, “Is that you know you can talk to me.”

“I know that Tessa,” Magnus says impatiently, “You don’t need to be so condescending.”

Tessa raised her eyebrows. Usually this would have an effect on people, making them feel uneasy, but Magnus didn’t flinch.

“She’s only trying to help,” Alec offers from the corner he’s slouching in. Magnus barely spares a glance at him before returning to his silent stand off with Tessa.

Tessa ignores Alec, which sends a spark of annoyance down Magnus’s spine. “If you’re just going to stare at me,” Magnus says before taking a gulp of his drink, “the door is right there.”

“He doesn’t mean it.” Alec tells Tessa.

Tessa doesn’t acknowledge him. She gets up, as if she were expecting this to happen, and walks out the door. Magnus only feels a twinge of regret.

“You’re pushing a lot of people away.” Alec comments.

“What else is new,” Magnus mutters in response.

“Don’t worry. You still have me.” Alec smiles softly at him, and Magnus can feel a physical clench around his heart, but doesn’t show it.

“Well that’s a relief,” Magnus says dryly.

Alec laughs. The sound echoes in Magnus’s ears.

 

* * *

 

The Consul drones on about some matter concerning pixies and the creek and the alliance in Central Park, and Magnus tunes out.

“Pay attention.” Alec scolds him mockingly. He’s sitting on the edge of the Downworld representatives table, swinging his legs back and forth.

Magnus doesn’t reply to him, but instead rolls his eyes at Alec.

The Consul coughs. Magnus turns his eyes to her and raises them in question.

“Is this too boring for you Mr. Bane?” She says.

“Not particularly,” Magnus flatly replies. She had obviously spotted his eye roll.

The Consul turned back to her papers and continues her speech. Magnus chances a glare at Alec, who shrugs his shoulders, grinning.

“We could get out of here,” he whispers, his eyes huge and dark and close, and Magnus buries his head in his hands.

“No.”

“You alright Magnus?” Lily says quietly beside him. He jerks his head up to see her looking mildly concerned, and tries to nod convincingly.

Lily gives him a sympathetic smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus knocks back another whiskey, already feeling the fuzz of drunkenness close around his mind.

He slides the glass back to the bar man. “Another one,” he slurs.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drink this much,” Alec comments from the stool next to him.

“Fuck off.” Magnus says, stumbling over his words. “Go away.”

“So rude,” Alec smirks. “I’ll leave if you want me to.” 

He starts to get up to leave, and panic seizes Magnus like a bucket of ice being poured over him. “No!”

The bar man glances up, startled, but sees Magnus and decides he’s just another poor drunkard. It’s funny — Magnus never thought he’d become one of them.

Alec doesn’t look very surprised. “I’ll stay.” He says softly, and sits back down beside him. “I won’t leave you.”

Magnus smiles in spite of himself. “Oh Alec. We both know that’s not true.” It’s the first coherent thing he’s said all evening.

Alec looks confused, and then the bar man slides another whiskey towards him.

Magnus doesn’t remember a lot after that.

He wakes up with a warm body next to him, but it’s not his house, it’s not his sheets.

He rolls over to see a man with a mop of dark hair laying beside him, asleep. They both aren’t wearing any clothing.

Magnus doesn’t need to look that far to know what happened last night.

He rolls back over to gaze and the wall, and Alec’s standing there by the window, watching him with a half smile. 

Magnus feels a nausea that has nothing to do with his hangover. He sits up halfway, opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and croaks, ‘I’m sorry.’

Alec shakes his head and smiles, ‘You don’t have anything to be sorry for.’

Magnus settles back into the pillows, and closes his eyes, so that even for a brief moment, he can pretend everything’s alright. “But I do,” he whispers, guilt choking his words.

 

* * *

 

It happens many more nights. He goes out, gets drunk, and sleeps with someone. It doesn’t matter who they are, they’re all nameless to him anyway. Magnus doesn’t realise that they all share something in common. Their name begins with an ‘A’, their eyes are a bright blue, their hair is black as the midnight sky, but he doesn’t take time to notice.

Alec is always there. He’s standing over him as Magnus runs his lips down a person’s chest, he’s laying his head on Magnus’s pillow and just breathing with him, he’s sitting in the corner when the morning arrives.

He’s making the guilt rise in Magnus’s stomach without giving him a disappointed look, he’s making Magnus wince with his blunt honesty, which is a trait he loves about him, he’s gently reminding Magnus that he needs to move on.

Magnus doesn’t.

 

* * *

 

 

Someone must have contacted Max and Rafe about Magnus’s poor mental state, because they’re gently pushing Magnus towards a ready-made portal outside the bar for him to collapse inside the loft. Magnus feels woozy from one too many drinks, so he slumps onto the sofa.

Max fixes him up a hangover cure for the morning, then sits opposite him, next to Alec and Rafe, watching Magnus warily.

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Max’s patience wears thin. “You’ve got to stop living like this Papa,” he says in a flat, toneless voice.

Magnus knows perfectly well what Max is talking about, but he decides to play the drunkard card. “Live like what?” He deliberately slurs.

Unfortunately, Rafe, the elder of the two, has always known how to read him, so he glares at him and stands up, his hands shaking. “Like this,” he says, his voice trembling with emotion, gesturing to the empty takeout containers, the upturned furniture, the bottles of alcohol littered around the place.

Magnus shifts so he’s looking at the ceiling. “I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

“ _ Papa _ . Please.”

The desperation in his son’s voice makes him ache, but he won’t give in. He closes his eyes.

He can hear Max give a shaking sigh, and walk over to help Magnus up. “Where’re you taking me,” Magnus grumbles as Max lifts an arm up, and Rafe lifts the other. 

“To your bedroom,” Rafe replies in a sort of exhausted voice. 

Magnus snatched his arm out of both of their grips and rolls back onto the sofa. “I’ll sleep here tonight.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like it.”

“No need to be so impetulant towards your own sons Magnus,” Alec comments mildly while flipping his newspaper pages. Magnus makes a half groaning, half sighing noise and tells them he’s just prefer to sleep out here tonight.

Max slams the door on the way out.

It’s a total lie - Magnus hasn’t slept there since before that night. He can still feel the rain and blood soaking his hands as -

“They’re your sons Magnus. You need to give them support.”

Magnus rolled so that he could face Alec’s steady blue eyes. “They’re your sons too,” was the first thing he thought of to say, but Alec shakes his head and puts the newspaper down. 

“Babe - you know none of this is real.”

“Isn’t it?” Magnus says idly. “I was so sure.”

Alec gives him that look again that makes Magnus feel transparent, and he opens his mouth and words start pouring out.

“You want me to admit that this is all in my head? That you’re just a part of my imagination? That I’ve been pushing  _ everyone _ away selfishly? Even my own  _ sons _ ? That I’m living in a hovel? That my mental health is deteriorating?  _ That you’re _ -”

Magnus stops, unable to say what he was about to have said. He hadn’t realised that he’d stood up, his whole body shaking. He turns back to look at Alec, but there’s no one there.

He crumples into a heap on the floor, heaving breaths but somehow being able to take the oxygen in.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there.

 

* * *

 

_ “Magnus…” _

_ “Please, baby, hold on, please, I’m trying but it’s not working-” _

 

* * *

 

The one-night stands are becoming more frequent, and Alec isn’t there to hold Magnus back, so he kisses random people with traits in common with Alec, he sometimes sleeps with them, but it’s not enough. Never enough.

No one comes by to visit him, his apartment is a tip and Magnus is so drunk all of the time he’s not sure how he forms coherent sentences.

He sees Alec in flashes of his peripheral vision.

 

* * *

 

_ “Why isn’t it working,  _ Jace, help me- _ ” _

 

* * *

 

The bar man comes to know his name, he knows his order by now but stops Magnus from drinking too many. Magnus doesn’t care, but without the bar man he’d probably get some form of alcohol poisoning.

 

* * *

 

_ “I need to tell you something-” _

_ “No, you’re going to get out of here fine, everything’s going to be fine-” _

_ “Magnus…” _

 

* * *

 

He never laughs anymore. He never smiles.

 

* * *

 

_ “I love you.” _

_ “I- Alec- Please-” _

 

* * *

 

The door cracks open in his apartment and Magnus winces from the light. He doesn’t bother to sit up, knowing that whoever it is will announce themselves. 

“Magnus.”

Ah.

He winces again, but internally this time.

“Cat.” His voice is so rough it was hard to speak at all. 

He feels a dip in the couch beside him. He frowns. When had he closed his eyes?

Cat sighs, running her fingers through his knotted, matted hair. Magnus leans into her touch letting himself believe that everything was alright for just one second.

“Do you know the last thing Alec said to me before he died?”

His heart almost stops.

Magnus pushes her hand off his head and gets to his feet backing away from Catarina. “Alec,” he says, his voice shaking, “is  _ not dead. _ ”

“Magnus-” Catarina sighs.

“ _ No! _ ” He yells, and he can see shock on her face. “Stop lying!”

She stands and begins to walk over to him slowly. “You need to accept it. Running won’t do you any good.”

“Stop.” 

“Alec’s-”

“ _ Shut up! I said stop! _ ”

Cat is inches away from him now, he’s backed up against the wall, panting. She’s gripping something in her hand, a piece of paper.

“He-” her voice cracked, “he gave this to me, before he died,” she continued, even though Magnus flinches, “I guess he had been carrying it around for a while.”

She drops the paper into his hand, and Magnus closes his eyes for a minutes, taking shallow breaths.

He unfurls the crumpled slip of paper, taking an immeasurable amount of time. It’s open, and Magnus can see Alec’s scrawled handwriting.

_ Don’t let him be alone. _

Magnus hadn’t cried when Alec had died. He hadn’t cried at the funeral. He hadn’t cried all these months, wasting away while imagining Alec was alive and right beside him, but he cried now.

He slid down the wall, paper clutched to his chest, and broke down.

Magnus heaved out choking sobs, howls that left him unable to move, and curled himself onto the ground. 

He wept for the weeks of hollow aches in his chest, he wept for his sons, who were probably feeling what he’s feeling, but Magnus was too selfish to give them comfort. He lay there and cried for what seemed like hours, not even violent sobbing, but the type of crying that left you unable to move. He vaguely recalls Cat taking him into his bedroom, where he hasn’t been since the night Alec died.

He curls into the sheets, breathing in the scent Alec left behind, and eventually passes out from exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

“ _ Alec! _ ” 

Magnus’s cry echoes through the street, and he nearly trips over the road several times before dropping down to Alec, laying on the street, bleeding out.

“There were too many of ‘em,” Alec groaned, his eyelids drooping. Magnus frantically searched for the wound, but there were so many it was hard to tell which was the main one. He lifted up his husband’s shirt and felt his mouth go bone dry. 

Part of Alec’s chest had been actually clawed out, and there was a greenish tinge around of the edges of the wound which suggested poison. Magnus’s breath started to come erratically, but even more so when he saw that Alec had closed his eyes.

He shook Alec, causing his eyelids to flutter open again. “Stay with me,” Magnus ordered. “We’ve done this a million times.” He started to use his magic, letting it flow over Alec’s wounds. It didn’t do anything.

It wasn’t working, why wasn’t it  _ working _ ?

“Magnus…”

“Please, baby, hold on, please, I’m trying but it’s  _ not working- _ ” Magnus said, with a lump in his throat.

“Magnus-”

“Why isn’t it working,  _ Jace, help me _ -” Magnus yelled for Jace, he was supposed to be here, why wasn’t he here-

“I need to tell you something-” 

“No, you’re going to get out of here fine, everything’s going to be fine-” Magnus reassured himself-

“I love you.” Alec croaked out, raising one hand with tremendous effort to touch his husband’s cheek. 

Magnus leaned into it unconsciously, hands still snapping and crackling with magic over his body, but it wasn’t working, why wasn’t it working-

“I love you,” Alec repeats, fainter this time, but he smiles, and it’s the same smile Magnus fell for, the same smile that simultaneously broke and made his heart every time it was directed at him-

“I- Alec- Please-” Magnus gasps out.

His smile reaches his eyes, and his hand falls, and there’s no pulse, and Magnus is screaming and clutching Alec’s body, his magic runs haywire and convolutes off of his body, and there’s no life left, no Alec, and he can hear Jace and Izzy running towards him and sobbing, Jace is screaming too, and Mayrse is there weeping, and the boys are there, clutching at each other, and Magnus can’t remember anything else -

 

* * *

 

“Daddy catch me! Catch me!” Max squeals as he jumps off the wall of the sidewalk. The sunlight has put a golden hue on everything, making Alec’s eyes shine and the boys golden in the light. 

Alec catches Max and holds him upside down as he shrieks and giggles. Rafe is jumping around Alec, asking to be lifted as well, and Alec takes them both into his arms and the all collapse into a heap together.

Magnus grins so hard it hurts, and takes out his camera, wanting to freeze this moment for the rest of his life. 

“Catch me Dad!” 

“Daddy lift me up! Up!”

 

* * *

 

The picture is pinned to the right wall of his bedroom, where thousands of other pictures of Alec are put up. 

Magnus stares at that one for a while.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> no joke this made me cry while writing it
> 
> if u too suffered leave a comment or kudos thank !


End file.
